I didn’t sleep well last night. I think it was mainly because I was overwhelmed with some stuff last night. Just frustrated with how my relationships end up. Friendships have never been easy for me. I’ve always been the one that everyone knows my name, but never really KNOWS me. I also have a bad case of foot in mouth disease. I have actually had people tell me they think I am Aspergers. While a few things fit, some major things are missing, even for a women.
I think I spend too much time trying to find what’s wrong with me. It’s like I am on a never ending journey to prove that I am defective in some way. I know the little stories and beliefs that are still playing from childhood. I can sometimes choose differently. But it seems like for the most part I always fall back into the same rut. It’s like a never ending struggle.
Maybe I am trying too hard to change myself. I have heard it said that people don’t change. And while that is actually freeing in a lot of ways, it’s also frustrating. I don’t like who I am sometimes. There are parts I would keep forever. And then other parts, major parts in my eyes, that I wish I could change forever.
I have people I know that tell me that I push people away. And that it’s hard to have a relationship with me. I have even had feedback from people that they don’t like me. I have a hard time with feedback, but it sank in after someone straight up said, “I don’t like you.” I hadn’t realized how much of a pain in the ass I can be. How much I am in reaction to what people say and do. It’s a pain. I want to be in relationship with people, but I feel it’s safer for us all if I just hide away.
On to something less depressing.
I cleaned my fish’s tank today. He is a betta fish. His name is Blue. And yes, he is blue. It had been a long while since I’d cleaned it. The sun is shinning today so I took the tank outside and started emptying it and spraying it out. Blue hates when I clean it. He is a lot like me. He gets so flustered with lots of commotion. He will thank me later when he realizes he’s not swimming in his own poo.
Today I am going to a celebration for the ending of a mentoring program I have been a part of. My mentee finishes high school next week. She’s an awesome leader. She knows what she wants to do career wise. I am honored to have supported her in finding a school she really wants to go to.
I will head over there in about 2 hours. Currently I am sitting on the front porch enjoying this sunny day in the Los Angeles area. Sure wish it would rain one of these days. The drought is getting worse. I don’t look forward to conserving water. Not that I waste it, but I heard the old saying in California about when to flush, and I don’t look forward to that. “When it’s yellow, let it mellow. When it’s brown, flush it down.”